Probably the most honest blog ever...

This year has been the hardest on record.  I have watched the man I thought I was going to marry and his adorable little son who I thought I was going to co-parent become engaged to someone who I have known for a long time and have to continue a professional relationship with.

I have struggled with feelings of anger, denial, betrayal, confusion, heartache, and confusion about God's divinity.  I had been totally convinced that something was not right, but I had identified early on that I couldn't just suddenly "make" things happen.  I have had to forgive over and over again.

I have learned that I needed to just move on with my life.  I have had so many good things happen to me this year and have been amazed at the blessings that have come from this.  I have grown closer in my relationships with some amazing people, namely, my sister, Kristen.  However, it is hard watching people all around me get married and have children.  It is hard to see how people are moving on with their lives and sometimes I feel as if I have missed out on something.  I have sometimes struggled with God's divinity and not understood why I feel like I am sometimes being punished.  I am a people person.  I enjoy being with people, spending time with them, et al.

I have have been told that I am independent.  I have not learned in some ways to not depend on other people because they can hurt and have a hard time relaying off other people.  I have learned how to be content doing what I want to do and need to do.  This year, and especially recently, have learned to experience pleasure for myself versus relying off other people to entertain me, make me feel better about myself.  

I have learned to be content with little or a lot and have experienced God's peace that it beyond understanding in week where I bombed my class and was completely underprepared for my lecture and have had a crisis almost every day.  However, I am completely at peace and feel really content.  I don't know what the future holds.  I wasn't thinking that I would be single at 28, but I guess that life sometimes has some unexpected turns.  I realize that I have probably be saved from the heartache of being in the wrong relationship.  I live my life with the expectation that good things are to come and that I can't control my whole life and the universe.  So, I do my best every single day, continue to serve others, and live a life of integrity with hopes that someday I will have someone to share it with.