I have attempted to post Mother's Day pictures no less than six times within the last two days to no avail. I have attempted to avoid writing this post as long as possible, but feel as if it is time. So, with as much respect for the other party as possible, I will spill my heart about the details of my romantic relationship and break-up.
My relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Jonathan, started out really good. Haha...actually, that was after the second date. The first did not have me so convinced. Actually, at the end of the date, he said "this is fun, we should do this again". I said "maybe". Of course, I talked too much and he was polite enough to listen. I made him race me for a second date. Speed work has never been my forte, so his fast twitch muscles served him well. He won the race and a date for the next day. We really hit it off then and I decided that I liked this single dad. Two days later, I showed him my awesome new road bike, met his son, and later that night, returned to his house to tell him what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. He told me that he had felt as if I was holding back from him before and was more attracted to me than ever then. We kissed for the first time.
As time progressed, we had a sneaking suspicion that marriage was where we were headed, but it did not make any sense. I wanted to do international work; he had a son and was tied in the very area I did not want to be. The pressures of this continued to weigh on the rest of our relationship and wore us down. Combined with the fact that there were more freak things that happened than I could possibly put in a blog (like his sewage line almost being capped and getting in trouble at work 14 months into our relationship for being together and our higher ups being privy to this), life just wore on us. As much as I want to convince myself differently, I was not prepared for settling down.
Combined with all the aforementioned stressors, I began to develop feelings of inadequacy. Feelings that I was just not good enough. I had a license I needed to pass for my job, but the fear of failing, of losing all that money, of not doing well wore on me. Since I work for Jonathan's contract agency, we used to work on cases together. We would have discussions at work for me to only feel more inadequate. Combined with the fact that I was not moving my life forward in any other way, I became bitter and scared. I turned into a person I never have seen and never want to be again. In the meantime, I now know my premonitions were true. Jonathan had begun to develop feelings for a married woman he worked with and began to pull himself away from me emotionally. I felt it and knew it deep down inside. I knew when he had started dating her before he had told me and I knew it was her...no assistance from Facebook, friends, or any other way of me knowing.
When Jonathan and I broke up, we just simply knew that we were in different places. I had things that I had to take care of and Jonathan did not think that he could make me happy. I wanted to release him because I had felt the same way and wanted him to be happy. So, we decided to allow for our lives to go separate ways. We felt a strange peace about it, even though I know in my heart of hearts that I was not supposed to go over to his house the night we broke up.
Dealing with this break-up has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. I loved Jonathan and his son more than any other people on the earth. I have had to learn how to face my demons and to deal with myself in a very real way. Many times, I have prayed daily, hourly even for strength, blessing, and wisdom. I have trudged on mile after mile, hour after hour, and have developed an inner peace I have never really known, at least for any extended period of time. I am totally ok with where I am and have enjoyed my life for what it is. In an ultimate test of peace and forgiveness, I have been called to stay right where I am, in my job, and to have a case with Jonathan's current girlfriend. I have prayed daily for her and her little daughter. As a result, I have developed a liking for her that was on beyond anything I had developed in the last three or four years I had known her. I really want the best for her and Jonathan.
As a result of this break-up, I have had doors open and close for me right and left. It is crazy how pieces of my life are coming together to form one great big puzzle I am not yet privy to see. I truly believe that some of the things that have happened can only be from some divine being. They are too freakish, too amazing, too much of what I wanted without trying, for it to be from me. I know I have highlighted some of these in previous posts. Without trying, my life is coming together and I am loving it. I am enjoying the journey, and, for one of the first times in my life, I am at peace with where I am, even though it is the very place I said I didn't want to be.
